I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
