then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
