I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
