My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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