I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize