see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
