so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
