Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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