I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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