TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
