i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
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