Yo dont text me then not text me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
