you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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