how can u be prego again
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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