I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
