Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
