he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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