When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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