i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
