my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
