How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
