She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
