It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
