I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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