your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
