she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
