porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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