tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
