Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
