I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
