my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
