I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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