theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
