My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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