I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
