someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
