True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
