omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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