Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We just shotgunned beers for America
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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