Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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