the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He better not be in your backpack
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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