You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
