where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
