watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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