I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize