haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
