I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
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I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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