I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
being pregnant is like rehab
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
