I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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