I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
