hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
