My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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