Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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