can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
