I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think my moral compass just broke
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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