When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
