just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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