can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
