I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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